"A Wrinkle In Time" or "When Did I Get So Old?"

NOTE: This post isn't about Miya.  It's about me. So if you come to this blog to read about the kid with the rare disease, don't bother reading this post...there should be a new Miya update on Friday or Saturday.

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My reflection does not resemble the image I have of myself in my head.  I realized this today as I took a really good look at myself in the mirror...for the first time in, well, a looong time.

In my head, I look 26 years old. (See photo above, so you can have the image of my 26 year old self in your head too, and at least play along with my little fantasy.) At 26, I drank more, smoked more, had poor judgement, and had less tattoos.  I don't want to be that person anymore, I just wish I looked more like her.


"Where," I wonder to myself "did those winkles around my eyes come from?" and "I can't believe I have so much grey hair!!"  Let's face it.  I have a one year old. She's busy. I'm busy. I don't have time to pluck my eyebrows and wax my upper lip. I barely have time to shave my armpits! Since Miya has been born, Chris and I have gone out by ourselves three times. Three.  I think.  It might only be twice.  So in the last year, I have paid attention to my reflection only as long as it took to put on enough makeup to render myself  "presentable". 

When did 32 happen? When did I get to be (nearly) 32 years old? When did I stop being a size zero and where did these hips come from? In my head, I don't look like that!!

In my head, I look like the image you see above this sentence.

What prompted me to actually look in the mirror (longer than what it takes to brush my teeth) was this picture:

This picture was taken a couple of weeks ago on one of our epic trips to London. What happened under my eye?? I had NO IDEA those wrinkles existed!!

The point is this:  Actually, I'm not entirely sure there is a point to this.  I'm just venting.  I am aware that people age. I wasn't entirely aware that I would age. (Ha Ha. A little humour there...Of course I knew I would age...I was just sure it wouldn't happen until at least 50...or 60.)

I don't recall aging this quickly pre-Miya.  Do children speed up the aging process? It is proportionate to how many children you have? Has anyone else noticed this? 

 Until  I am forced to look at myself in the mirror for many hours at a time, I am going to continue to think of myself  like this:

And less like this:

See my futile attempt to accessorize my "outfit" with a cheap necklace? Is that what I have been reduced to? (I use the term "outfit" loosely.  The image speaks for itself. This is not an "outfit". This is merely hiding one's nakedness with age appropriate clothes of the correct size.)

Please don't think I want to be someone else. I don't live in the past. I don't want to BE my old self. I am just wondering what happened to her.  She used to care. She knew how to put outfits together.  She knew what an outfit was!!

I suppose this is not the time to be thinking of such things. After all, I am going to be living in a hospital for weeks and weeks. I just don't want to lose what little of myself I have left. I don't want the hospital to suck the last bit of fashion sense I have left right out of me. (By "fashion sense" I mean I still have the ability to know which colours go together and which don't.) Is it wrong to want five minutes to myself to apply my newly purchased Olay day and night cream and eye gel?

I must urge you to remember, diligent reader and follower of my blog, that I DO NOT want to be someone else or look like someone else. I want to look like me. But with less wrinkles. And more hair that isn't grey. After all, I'd rather you hate me for who I am than love me for who I'm not.